I don't enjoy sex with my husband 
How do I tell my husband he doesn't satisfy me anymore? If I ever mention this to him, what will he think of me, will he think I have fornicated. Will he love me same way, ask for my  reason or file a divorce. 
We have been married for three years now, all this years, all I do is endure, I don't endure because I don't want to hurt him, I endure because I don't want to lose him. As a result of this, I had to go for counselling, I didn't have much to talk about with the counsellor because she gave me full reasons why that is happening. She said to my understanding that most times, what leads to that is the expansion of the female organ, she further explained that it is as a result of the size of the male organ that penetrated, she said if it is big, the female organ will expand to the size and retain it but if it is small then it will fit in perfectly.
All this years, I have been living with my husband with double mind, one mind making me think I don't love him, and the other mind making me think I had a spiritual husband. After the meeting with the counsellor, my mind dated back to my past relationship, the past relationship that almost cost me my life and led me to my husband. My past relationship was a terrible experience, a relationship that for all the years spent, it was based on rape and physical abuse. Ifeanyi! Ifeanyi was the name of my first love, we started our relationship from jss2, we have always spoken about marriage and number of kids we wish to have. Ifeanyi and I, didn't only attend the same secondary school but fate also took us to the same state to serve. 
I didn't know anyone else except him, he was the first man that ever made me a woman, the first who ever touched me. For all the years we dated, I dated with endurance with the hope of changing him to the man I want. You see couples smiling and laughing together, you wish to have their relationship but you don't know what is happening in private, you don't know the amount of times they quarrel. He was a calm person, that was who he was when we were in the same secondary school but staying with him during our youth service, he was a total different person, Ifeanyi was already a drug addict and very violent, he flared up at every slightest mistake I made, he turned me into ‘’his drum and hit me anytime he pleases. Into  his quench, anytime he got thirsty of sex, I became his desire.’’ 
I loved him so bad and I wondered if anyone had ever loved like that, I endured all of it because I didn't even want to stay breathe away from him, I always hoped for change even though my friends had told me that was never going to happen, I felt they were being jealous of my relationship and I told Ifeanyi, he warned me to stay away from them that they are trying to separate us, because of how much I loved him, I listened and did as he ordered. Every night Ifeanyi will go out partying, leaving me at home all by myself, he comes back home drunk and forcefully have sex with me, for some time I was enjoying it but after a while it became a habit for him. Aside being drunk, anytime we were home together and I mistakenly add too much salt to his food, he gets angry and beat me badly. Every normal guy would want to settle his relationship calmly but that was not the case for him, after beating me mercilessly, the next he does is to to rape me like an animal,  he never cared how much I screamed or begged for mercy, the only time he stopped was when he is satisfied. The day ever went by, the sun ever slept, the moon ever went hiding and he won't be violent with me. He had a plus size organ, and ‘’instead of me to enjoy sex with him, I endure pain for him.’’ I was always enduring pain, hoping that one day he will look into my eyes, apologise for all his mistakes and make things right, but no, that never happened. While hoping for a miracle, all I was fed with was disappointment and improvement of a beast, I had lost friends so I had no one to even talk to, I had no reason to go out or have anyone over. Anytime I complained, begging him to let me go, the only response I got was ‘’you can't beg for breathe to cease, begging to leave me is like asking for my death.’’ Yes! I know he loved me, I know how much he needed me around but what I never understood was why he always treated me like a slave, he could spoil me with gift, dinner and lunch, but that was not what I wanted, I wanted love, attention, care, time and happiness. If everyone ever wants gift and outing, then what is the use of love and relationship, everybody will seek for fun and pleasure. 
I kept on enduring, until one day, my endurance became my nightmare. Ifeanyi improved from making me unhappy, but finally making me a slave. He took my gadgets from me because he noticed that anytime I got chatting, I always had a smile on, he found this frustrating and took them away from me, he felt I was cheating but that wasn't the case, I had never the courage to cheat because I loved him so much, I was chatting to keep myself busy because I spent every day of my life in his house. Him taking my phone from me, was the day I finally stood him to him, it was the day I poured out all my feelings and pain, I told him how much he has been hurting me. I was expecting an apology, a hug, kisses and anything a girl wants, but no, instead, I got beatings, I got pains. He beat me with anything at sight, stool, flower vases and the rest, he asked me who gave me the guts to stand up to him, he asked what lever I have to question his actions, lying there in the pool of my blood, I couldn't provide answers, I couldn't even move my mouth, he saw me in pains and started apologising. That was the first time I've ever heard that word from him in three years, I was stunned, I was happy and filled with smile, but no I said to myself, not to allow this continue, not to lose my life because of love, immediately an idea came up. He quickly drive me to the hospital, as soon as he was done with the medical bills, he stepped out to get me provisions, I allowed the doctor treat me wounds, I didn't wait to be properly checked on, I just wanted to leave, I just wanted to get my life back, I just wanted happiness to locate me and stop denying myself happiness. 
As soon as the doctor left my room, I set out of the hospital, immediately I got outside, I had eye contact with Ifeanyi, he saw me and was rushing over to me, I ran for my life and stumbled on a man, I didn't ask for his name but asked for his help, I begged him to save my life which he did without questions. We drove off before Ifeanyi could catch up with me, that man took care of me all through, he didn't ask questions till I got better. After a while, for the first time we had a conversation, I told him everything, he promised to make me forget my past and never make a mistake to remind me of it, he kept to his words, we dated for a while and got married, he has showed me nothing but happiness but that happiness has not been completed. 
Anytime we made love, I felt nothing, I feel no pleasure, but I pretend to make him happy. I don't know if I was still feeling love for Ifeanyi or if I was missing him. Since I met with the counsellor I had full courage on what to do, I decided not  tell my husband but force myself to adjust to his size, no matter how much I tried, I still felt nothing, there is no point deceiving myself, I can't compare 12 years to four years. I will cast on hope, faith and trust in God to help complete my happiness.